Wednesday, July 16, 2008

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CursedCleveland.com's Annual Halloween Post!  

Wednesday, October 31, 2007




First of all...here's a completely fictitious aol instant messenger conversation that eventually led to the our special Halloween relaunch of CursedCleveland.com.


IloveBraylon69: So
what's your
costume going to be?


2girls1cuplover:
I was thinking
either a registered sex offender or
LeBron's free throw shooting coach.


IloveBraylon69:
LeBron has a free
throw shooting coach?


2girls1cuplover:
Fine, registered
sex offender it is.


IloveBraylong69:
So you're
obviously going as yourself


2girls1cuplover:
You
got it.


IloveBraylong69:
Hey, remember that
unsuccessful site that we ran that not only wasted our time, but also our
reader's?


2girls1cuplover:
pregnantsororityvirgins.com?

IloveBraylon69:
The other
one


2girls1cuplover:
CursedCleveland.com?

IloveBraylon69:
Yep..let's
relaunch


2girls1cuplover: Sure.



So there you have it. Much has happened during our four-month hiatus. For one...many more terrible Cleveland sports blogs have started. I figured someone out there would at least stumble onto a creative and compelling format. Never once happened. Why would I want to read someone else's unfunny hack writing, when I have my own to fall back on?

So here's just a taste of the events that we may have missed, with an exhaustive bank of opinions and analysis to follow. Readers are encouraged to write in with more if they'd like more reaction.

LeBron plays well in the olympics: Technically everyone played well (except for Billups). Also, can idiot fans stop calling Rizzo's show with "Look how great LeBron played with a point guard! See.! That proves how good the Cavs could be with a point guard!" Oh really? Did we really need Team USA to prove this? We're just now finding out that all-star point guards are valuable? Also, EVERYONE played well on Team USA. So I'm not exactly sure why Cavs fan hang onto this egocentric view that only LeBron plays better with a point guard. Also - how about the fact that Kobe Bryant was on this team as well? Did that help anyones cause?

Indians go on amazing post-season run: Well, if we're prepared to call winning a 5 game series against a team of the brink of disbanding and then choking away three straight games in humiliating fashion, then I guess a "run" it is. Obviously it was exciting and they should be happy they got as far as they did - but let's be honest, unless the Dolans demonstrate a willingness to bring in free agents, then there's no guarantee this team every makes the playoffs again. See the ultimate misnomer in baseball is that spending money doesn't guarantee you anything. Not true. It guarantees you that the percentages are on your side for making the playoffs. And as we know, advancing in the MLB playoffs is about as skill-driven rock scissors paper.

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23 or 24 continued  

Friday, March 23, 2007

Defense: Kobe is a perennial NBA All-Defensive First Team selection, and frankly this isn' teven a competition between he and LeBron. The King has picked it up on the defensive end in the second half of year according to some analysts, but still isn't a lock-down one-on-one defender in this league (perhaps because although he is a ridiculous athlete, his lateral movement isn't as swift as everyone thinks and players seem to have no trouble driving right by him). Kobe not only guards the other team's best player when games are on the line, but also gets matched up against the opposition's best defender and gives his team a huge advantage on both ends. Edge: Kobe Bryant.

Intangibles:
LeBron has a sixth sense on defense, and ofte
n comes up with big-time steals that nobody else can make, however his and Kobe's steal numbers are nearly identical, as are their blocked shot totals. LeBron is a better passer, there's no questioning that, although their assists are very similar and regardless of what some say, LeBron has a far superior supporting cast. LeBron is also seven years younger, and seven years down the road he could...and I mean COULD end up doing things that Kobe never did. But will he ever be able to drop 65 points in a game when he's being double and triple-teamed and simply dominate on both ends of the floor? It's just too difficult to say at this point. Slight Edge: LeBron James.
Will to Win: You'd be delusional to not understand that Kobe Bryant is simply the most competitive person in the NBA (After all, he is the only guy who actually tried in the All-Star game this year). His team is terrible...which is probably why he's decided to put them on his back and carry them into the playoffs, and those of you who are going to say that Lamar Odom is a great player had better not even start with it...yea he is good if you like a 6'10" guy who settles primarily for jumpers and is one of the most prolific "chargers" in the game when he goes to the hole. Kobe has spent most of this year deferring to these average-at-best players, and it's been nice to see that he can play that style too, however the problem is that they just do not win games when Kobe doesn't dominate (Case in point: 3-0 over the last 3 games with Kobe scoring 65, 50 & 60 respectively, all in games that were competitive down the stretch).


Kobe knows that they aren't going to even make the playoffs if he doesn't step it up, and lately thats precisely what he's done. Did i mention the fact that he also doesn't back down from anyone, as we saw the other night when he dropped 65 on the Blazers and nearly "Dropped" Jarrett Jack late in the fourth quarter? LeBron has played great as of late as well, scoring a boat-load of points, but the Cavs have lost two in a row and even commentators are wondering why he hasn't tried to take over these games until late (Lebron loves to rack up points when they're down 15 in the fourth, but a lot of the time this is too little, too late). As far as his "will to win," we are all still wondering when it will take center stage (Yes, he did dominate the Wizards series last year...but where's this drive been ever since?) Lebron doesn't hit game-winning shots, and often settles for bad shots when he could simply drive to the basket and win the game that way (That wouldn't look as sweet on sportscenter would it?).

Edge: Kobe Bryant. Many of you believe that LeBron will end up being the greatest player in the history of the NBA, and MJ is still the measuring stick. At this point in his career, Kobe is doing everything that Jordan did with a far worse team (Oh he also doesn't have the luxury of a Scottie Pippen on his side who is one of the top 50 players of all time, a lock down defender and also a great scorer and passer). Their statistics at this point in their careers are nearly identical, with very slight edges going to both in different categories. Kobe also possesses that insane ability to start off a game and make fans call all of their friends a few minutes into the game in anticipation that he just might score 100 on any given night (I have called the SportsBoy at least five times this year to discuss this very concept...and we've even discussed a potential KobeTV channel that would broadcast all Lakers games so that fans don't have to watch it transpire on GameCenter when he goes off like last night).

Who knows what the future will hold for LeBron...will it be championships in Cleveland, or a new city and a new franchise? Will he develop a jumpshot that is impossible to stop like Kobe has, or will he remain player who commentators ask, "Why isn't he going to the basket?" We simply don't know, yet we hope and dream that one day we'll be watching Lebron thinking the same things that we think when we tune into a Lakers game these days...in a Cavs uniform.

photo courtesy of newsday.com

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Miller Light Continued  

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Furthermore, Ben Franscico is hitting .367 in Spring Training with 3 HR's, all while playing a solid OF. Franscico has versatility in that he can play all 3 OF spots and has speed on the basepaths. Sounds like an interesting option off the bench, right? Wrong. Enter Trot Nixon, a broken down used-to-be who's been battling injuries and old man disease since the 2004 World Series.

But the greatest potential tragedy this Spring would be if Ryan Garko does not start the season with the Indians. The kid is ready. He proved that last year when he nearly had as many RBI's as games played. He is a hitting machine, with a few deficiences defensively. So what?

Let's remember, Jim Thome wasn't exactly Brooks Robinson at 3B his rookie year, but, with the help of his live bat, the team managed to get through it just fine.

Garko has a great attitude, is a good teammate, and has the potential to be an amazing big league run producer. But everytime his name comes up, Shapiro and Wedge talk about him like he's Brandon Phillips's evil twin. It seems like a twisted, misguided form of motivation. At least, that's what I hope they are doing.

And If Hector Luna makes the big league squad, I will seriously start to question the sanity of our front office. Does anyone remember the Vazquez debacle last year?!?!?! Luna is not a quality utility guy, he is a Peralta clone. That is if Johnny was fatter, couldn't hit, and was slightly retarded. If you are going to award roster spots to utility infielders over offensive talent like Garko, they better flash Omar-like leather. And last time I checked, Luna was a below average infielder who lacks speed and has limited range. Gee, where have I seen that before?

It can be frustrating as a fan at times. However, the silver lining is we will see this young talent soon enough. Nixon will get hurt. Byrd will continue to be terrible and over the hill. The bullpen will need fresh arms. And Garko's bat will be too much to deny. We will see these young studs at some point this season, the only question is, when?

This braindead fan wonders, if they are just delaying the inevitable, why not now?

- submitted by David Ulam

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Spring Training Report Continued  

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Many sports fans and talk show hosts who choose (or are simply incapable of anything greater) a shallow view of the Cleveland sports scene perceive Showalter's presence as that of a manager-in-waiting. If Eric Wedge falters, Showalter is ready and waiting to take over the reigns. We here at CursedCleveland.com don't believe this is the case.

The Indians organization has denied the existence of any order of succession behind Wedge and claim that Showalter is in the fold simply as an advisor and assistant to Shapiro and Wedge. Since no professional sports organization has ever lied to or misled the media and general public before, we won't expect anything less of the Indians...

Still, Showalter's presence presents a predicament for the entire organization, although Wedge and his staff may be put in the most difficult situation.

Buck Showalter despises facial hair and has banned it at his prior big league stops. With the Indians being a fairly young team that has lacked the discipline to penetrate baseball's second season under the tutelage of Wedge, it isn't out of the question for Showalter to get into Shapiro's ear and suggest that his ultra-conservative grooming policy be enacted with the Tribe.

While players have never appreciated relinquishing their freedoms in the past, it may not be a major issue with the 2007 Tribe. At last check, the only Tribesmen to sport any bristle of significance were CC Sabathia, Paul Byrd, Roberto Hernandez, Jason Davis, and Matt Miller. With Davis and Miller fighting to make the team it shouldn't take much to entice them to pick up the Gillette Fusion. The consummate team player, Byrd would gladly do anything for the betterment of the whole (It remains to be seen if upon releasing his "fastball" Byrd could shave his entire goatee before the ball reaches the catchers glove - Vegas has 2-1 odds in favor of the shave)

Hernandez is old enough that he may need to utilize his facial hair in a follicle transplant to fix the growing bald spots on his head. At the same time, Sabathia would probably agree to shave in exchange for a steak dinner and half-dozen cupcakes.

The problem lies within the Indians coaching staff. While inconsequential staff members such as the bullpen catchers, bench coach and first base coach sport the clean-shaven look, the heart of Eric Wedge's coaching staff enjoy sporting the grizzled look. If Showalter's rule were to be imposed, pitching coach Carl Willis and hitting coach Derek Shelton would be forced to prune their whiskers, potentially leading to a level of alienation and discomfort that could affect their performance and in-turn work its way down through the two facets of the game that they coach: pitching and hitting. Of course upon finding his team suddenly struggling to hit and pitch, manager Eric Wedge would no longer have his secret weapon readily available: the impromptu growing of the Ron Jeremy porn 'stache.

The absence of this Wedge secret-weapon would in-turn result in Eric having to rely solely on his managerial abilities to keep the club afloat, which of course can't possibly bode well for the Indians' fortunes in 2007.

NEXT UP IN THE CURSEDCLEVELAND.COM SPRING TRAINING REPORT:

Eric Plunk and Albie Lopez visit Winter Haven to teach Fausto Carmona how to control his pitches and how to deal with failure.

Special report by CursedCleveland.com correspondent Juice Brennan

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Mock Draft Continued  

Thursday, February 22, 2007

6. Washington Redskins - DE Jamaal Anderson (Arkansas) : The Redskins defense struggled to make plays last year (trust me, I wisely drafted them for my fantasy team). Andre Carter led the team in sacks with 6.0 and the team had 19.0 sacks total. That is miserable. Coming off a surprising Junior year with 13.5 sacks, Jamaal Anderson should help out immediately.

7. Minnesota Vikings - WR Dwayne Jarrett (USC) : The days of Randy Moss and Chris Carter are long gone and a new era of Troy Williamson and Travis Taylor has been ushered in to the tune of about a combined 1100 yards between the two. Dwayne Jarrett may not be a burner but he is solid and was productive from day one in college. I think people need to stop worrying that Jarrett is Mike Williams reincarnated.

8. Houston Texans - OT Levi Brown (Penn State) : God it sucks to be a Houston fan (and I'm a Browns fan so that should be very insulting). Another year of not getting the player you want. After the Browns snatch Adrian Peterson up, the Texans best bet will be improving the NFL's worst offensive line. Carr was sacked 41 times this year and 249 in his career. Personally, I think Levi Brown is better than Joe Thomas even though I have not watched either one of them play a down.

9. Miami Dolphins - DT Alan Branch (Michigan) : Doesn't it seem like every year there is a defensive tackle that everyone says is unlike any they have seen in years? Well last year it was Haloti Ngata and this year it is Alan Branch. Between Vonnie Holliday, Dan Wilkinson and Keith Traylor the Dolphins could use a little youth in the middle. Branch can play from day one and plug his fat 331-pound body in the middle.

10. Atlanta Falcons - DE Gaines Adams (Clemson) : Atlanta's defensive line is in big need of help. Grady Jackson is 34, their best pass-rusher Patrick Kerney opted to not resign and Jonathan Babineaux is fresh off beating his girlfriend's pitbull to death. Gaines Adams will be a steal here. He has been productive throughout his college career and will be an instant presence coming off of the edge.

....and the rest of them

11. San Fransisco 49ers - S Laron Landry (LSU) : Might not be Ronnie Lott, but they need playmakers on the defense and he is an animal.

12. Buffalo Bills - DT Amobi Okoye (Louisville) : A prodigy, played at Louisville as a 16-year old Freshman. Blew away everyone at the Senior Bowl.

13. St. Louis Rams - OLB Lawrence Timmons (Florida State) : He was overshadowed by Buster Davis most of the year and this is probably a little bit of a reach but sometimes you have to reach when your outside linebackers are currently Brandon Chillar and Pisa Tinoisamoa.

14. Carolina Panthers - S Reggie Nelson (Florida) : John Fox probably would have liked a hard-hitter like Landry but they will settle for Nelson who isn't too shabby himself.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers - CB Darrelle Revis (Pittsburgh) : I think every Browns fan got a good laugh when the Steelers threw a bunch of money at Ike Taylor (he is pitiful). Their going to go hometown here and this guy is good, real good. How do I know this? Most the mock drafts that I have ripped off today say that, (I have never seen him play).

16. Green Bay Packers - RB Marshawn Lynch (California) : His recent arrest might allow him to slip a few spots to Green Bay. It appears Ahman Green is on his way out (and I can't remember the last time he was good anyways) so this will be a perfect fit.
Editor's note: It has since come to our attention that Lynch was never arrested, only accused. The district attorney declined to press charges. Thanks to a reader for catching the mistake. There are 42 other errors in this mock draft, let's see if you can find the rest!


17. Jacksonville Jaguars - WR Robert Meachem (Tennessee) : Some people will have Ted Ginn ahead of him but Meachem is a little more polished. He is also 6'3" and about 210. His stock will probably skyrocket after the combine (when this fails to happen you can come back and rip my mock for having him this high).

18. Cincinatti Bengals - OLB/DE Quentin Moses (Georgia) : I don't know what the time table is for recovery after a broken neck, but I think David Pollack is out for awhile. They will go with another Bulldog here and see if he can make the switch as a 3-4 rush linebacker.

19. Tennessee Titans - CB Leon Hall (Michigan) : I guess I will rip off some of the mocks I've been reading and go with the same joke I've seen on every one. "As long as he doesn't have to cover Ted Ginn or Dwayne Jarrett then he will be fine". Pacman is their only good corner and he is always one club fight away from a 4-game suspension.

20. New York Giants - OLB Jon Beason (Miami) : Not quite sure who Reggie Torbor but my best guess is that will be the guy Beason replaces.

21. Denver Broncos - DE Charles Johnson (Georgia) : Looks like the old Brown's D-Line wasn't as good as it was hyped up to be. Charles Johnson will give them a good pass-rusher opposite Ebeneezer Ekuban.

22. Dallas Cowboys - WR Ted Ginn (Ohio State) : There probably are bigger areas of need for them but they are getting old and have no depth at receiver. Ginn is not polished but would do fine in the slot and would instantly turn around their mediocre return game as long as Roy Hall stays away from him.

23. Kansas City Chiefs - WR Dwayne Bowe (LSU) : I can't think of a team that has settled with crappier receivers year in year out. Samie Parker and Eddie Kennison's total jersey sales combined last year were five, four of which were sold on the clearance rack at Marshalls. Dwayne Bowe could be a star. He was somewhat of a late-bloomer but that happens when you are partially blind sometimes. His eyes are fixed now and he can see the ball (this could be one of the steals of the draft).

24. New England Patriots - OLB Paul Posluszny (Penn State) : He's an old school Bill Belichick type linebacker and if he gets a concussion he is not going to rat on Bill like Ted Johnson did. Shame on you Ted, your motor skills are not important to any of us anymore because you no longer play football.

25. New York Jets - CB Aaron Ross (Texas) : Best available corner and a pretty good value if he falls this far.

26. Philadelphia Eagles - OLB Rufus Alexander (Oklahoma) : I love Trotter and so does Philly but he is not good anymore. But the Eagles will give him one more year b/c everybody loves the "Wood Chop" celebration. Rufus is a tough Philly-type guy. Dhani Jones........Is not.

27. New Orleans Saints - MLB Patrick Willis (Mississippi) : All white linebacking units haven't worked since the 1970's, and they certainly didn't work in the playoffs against Chicago. Patrick Willis is probably the best linebacker in the draft and I will be surprised if he slips this far but ILB's always do.

28. New England Patriots - WR Sidney Rice (South Carolina) : The Patriots were about a catch or two away from advancing in the playoffs but the Colts hit wide reciever Reche Caldwell with the dreaded Zero coverage scheme where they leave you wide open and see if you can catch the ball. Reche Caldwell didn't......and he should probably kill himself. Rice catches just about everything thrown his way.

29. Baltimore Ravens - OT Justin Blaylock (Texas) : He is massive and the Raven's O-line is getting old. Could probably play either guard spot or right tackle.

30. San Diego Chargers - S Michael Griffin (Texas) : Definitely need help at receiver but most the good ones are gone by now. Not many weak spots on this team but god did their secondary suck in the playoffs.

31. Chicago Bears - OT Joe Staley (Central Michigan) : Fred Miller is getting old and they need guys to give Rex Grossman time so he can throw more interceptions instead of fumbling in the pocket.

32. Indianapolis Colts - DT Justin Harrell (Tennessee) : The Colts defense fooled everyone by saving up energy during the regular season and then showing up in the playoffs. If your defense makes Ron Dayne look like Walter Payton, then you probably need to beef up the middle. Harrell would have been higher but he is coming off of an injury.

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Rankings Continued  

Monday, February 5, 2007

#15 L.A. Clippers – I don’t mind the Clip Joint, but they certainly are not better than the Cavs. This team is 7-15 on the road, and in the Wild Wild West, they will turn out to be nothing more than a .500 team (Try starting Corey Maggette.. itmay help). EDGE: Cavs.

#14 Miami Heat – This is just completely mind-boggling that they put this miserable team ahead of the Cavs (Yes, I know they just beat the Cavs less than a week ago). The Heat are three games below .500 and have a bunch of has been NBA players (i.e. Shaq, Walker, Payton, Zo, Doleac, Eddie Jones, etc.) who are not good, and rely solely on D-Wade. I understand that they are the defending NBA champs and D-Wade is a superstar but we cannot keep reliving the past. Wake up and realize that this team is BAD and earns my award for “King Nick’s least favorite NBA team.” P.S. They start Jason Kapono! EDGE: Cavs.

#12 Indiana Pacers – NOOOO! Why is this happening?! The Pacers traded away all of their thugs for slow white dudes and now boast a lineup consisting of Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, and Jeff Foster. This has first round playoff loss written all over it. You will never convince me this team is better than the Cavs (Unless of course we're talking about their collective GPA's). EDGE: Cavs.

#11 Washington Wizards – The Wiz have a nice, soft team and Arenas is ridiculous, but this team looks to me to be on course for another first round playoff loss. Oh, and last time I checked we sent them home last year. EDGE: Cavs.

#8
Toronto Raptors – This is my all-time favorite, the Toronto Raptors ranked 8th in the league. 8th! I understand Chris Bosh and the "All-Terrorist" team are much improved but are you serious? This team is barely over .500 and is 9-16 on the road! I can’t even pronounce half their player's names, and I’m vomiting on the computer screen right now thinking about this ranking. EDGE: Cavs.

ANALYSIS:
Don’t get me wrong, the Cavs have underachieved all year and have been disappointing to say the least. But the fact that these five teams would ever be ranked ahead of this Cavs team is absolutely putrid. There is no reason the wine and gold should not be in the Top 10 in any Power Rankings in the country (Well, unless Lebron James keeps playing like Rick James). These are the absolute worst power rankings I’ve ever seen, and Marc Stein’s aren’t much better, but let's leave that argument for another cold winter day. John Hollinger should be slapped across the face, and I’m convinced he’s blowing the ESPN execs as we speak. Maybe this entire debacle can be placed on his "Secret Formula" for acquiring the rankings, which primarily consists of unconventional permutations and the recreational use of acid and heroin.

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